deeper

Another semester has started and another crazy time getting organized and settled has begun.

This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Deeper Retreat which was put on by SMOV. It was a great time getting to hang out with the kids there and talking to Kevin Greer and Marke Moore. Both of which are from Missouri so I got a couple updates from back home and how everything is going there. Getting updates is cool, and also leads to a touch of homesickness, but its all good in the end.
Cold weather still plagues every state that I happen to be in. I hear that spring is coming but I can't see the signs of it.

Oh, 09

Tonight 2009 is officially history. I don't know why I stated that, its pretty well common knowledge. If you didn't know that and are deeply distraught because of that fact, well, sorry. But everything comes to an end at some point. 2010 doesn't look like it will be much different than this past year, well, sans the fact I won't be recovering from a nasty breakup, and with any luck it will be much less dramatic. Unless there's theater drama. That I could do with more of. I suppose I should be reflecting on the past year...

It sucked. Then it got better. I worked a lot with the youth. I love working with youth. Found new friends. Found true friends. Showed my animals. Turned 21. Realized 21 really isn't all that awesome. Saw a lot of great movies. Saw a lot of bad movies. Went to Germany. Fell in love with Germany and the people there. Discovered German food. Fell in love with German food. Met some old/new relatives. Realized I drove the length of the US and then some. Worked. Studied. Found the greatness in recruitment. Realized my worth. Stopped being walked on...so much. Found my voice. Lost my voice. Froze. Played at the beach. Rediscovered love of the beach. Played in the country. Realized its not so bad in the country (still wouldn't mind a pool). Found new music. Refound the love and obsession with music. Stayed up many nights. Slept too much. Tripped. Stumbled. Fell. Walked. Ran. Skipped. Sang. Fell silent. Listened. Gave up and gave in. Held strong and fast. Loved God. Saw God in people. Yearned for more and wanted less.
There's my year in review...kinda. Its been shortened by a lot, obviously. All I hope for next year is for more goodness, less badness. More of a chance to get to be known for the real me and not the me that people think that they know. Here's to the new year. 2010, here's to you. 2009, sorry to see you go.
btw, 10 years ago, i was 11.
crazy.

way to be emo girl.

You sang the other day.
I listened from afar,
as per normal.
It was so ironic the words,

almost funny.

You sang about a second chance.

Time to be redeemed.
loving people.

And the like.

I found it funny because you,

never gave a chance,

nor any time.

And I am not sure you can love others,

like you love yourself.

I want you to prove me wrong.

Give me the light of day

A chance for all to come clear,

and become real.

but you won't.

You're wrapped up in yourself.

Your clique.

Your mind.

Your preconceived notions.

I'm saddened that you're like the rest.

Listening without talking.

Believing without seeing.

Maybe you'll change.

Until you do, I'll sit here.

In my own quiant way.

Listening to the music that plays.

Waiting and wondering...

Hoping for a moment,

to play my song,

and hope you sing along.

12 days

To date, I am twelve days from leaving North Carolina to head back to Missouri for winter break. Part of me is super excited, the other less so. Ironically, I post a similar blog every time I am about ready to leave. Its a constant struggle between where I am, where I want to be and who I want around me. Part of that is I'm starting to realize just how much my family means to me and how much I do want them, at least some of them, around. Its taken me a long time, lots of journaling, prayer, talks to get to that point. But the other part of me wants to be super independent, not go home, bushwhack my own path....its so conflicting and ironic. I'd love to make my own way, but I am afraid to be alone. I am the worst person to leave alone after watching any paranormal show or scary movie (oh how I love them so). Thus, that makes me want to be with someone. A friend, family, just so I don't have to go to a house alone and be alone. It's weird to explain. It's weird to feel and be. ah well...if you get it you get it, if you don't, then ha. I feel so sporadic in my thinking at the moment. Holy Water- Big and Rich is playing and I'm going in my mind to how right now it explains me. Anyway, I'm mentally debating. Home. Here. Driving.
In twelve days, I leave.

time, sit on the bench.

There are fifteen days before I begin my trek back to Missouri for winter break. Fifteen days to complete homework, decide what is going to be taken home for spring semester, build friendships, finalize work schedules, plan routes and weather watch. Two weeks to realize that the semester flew by yet again and to notice how life just seems to pass me by. Its weird to sit here and feel that just yesterday I was sitting on my bed from last year begging God to just hurry time so I could leave. That just yesterday I was getting on a plane to visit Virginia for the first time. Just yesterday I was crossing the stage to receive my diploma. It astounds me. My amazement never ceases at time's ability to drag and fly at the same time. We're told to take the time to smell the roses, but when we do, nothing stops. and we're left with memories of the roses. There are many passages that talk about how our time is short on this earth...but do we ever realize just how short it is till it's too late? I'm about a quarter of my life done. And what is there to show but vast amounts of wasted time? Time that could have and should have been spent helping others, reading, studying, etc. but instead were spent on self-gratifying things. I feel as if I'm preaching to the choir. We'e all heard this speech before, all have vowed to change and make moments more purposeful and all have succeeded.....for a day. Good intentions never got a man far. I feel hypocritical, sitting on my bed letting time pass by. But at 3am there's little impact I can make on man kind. Even if I did, would it be remembered? Probably not. In the great span of time, a open door is nothing. A thousand is a dot and a million is a dash. They say little things add up. And they do. In the 21 years, its all the little things that mean the most. And for the next fifteen days, I hope its the little things that people see. I hope that time will take a breather and sit on the bench. I don't want to look back next semester and feel like time slipped away before break. Time, just let me have these moments. Let my vapor of a life intertwine with the vapors of others' lives for the brief time I have left with them before being gone for a while.

just a poem

She looks up to the sky

The one that has betrayed her before

That feeling,

So small and insignificant,

Wraps her arms around her self and screams

He looks down from above

Watches the leaves play in the wind

Hears a small cry

Reaches down to save the night

She collapse on the ground

Her tears soaking her nightgown

Drifts off to sleep among the trees

Filling her head with some major dreams

He searches and finds

Wraps the girl in his light

Calls to her in her dream

Lets her know it’ll be alright

The next morn she wakes

Fears, tears, sadness, loneliness

All erased

All replaced

Filled with the love of the One

She called for without knowing.

The One that came

As she steps off into her new life

He watches from above

Sees the girl playing in the leaves

Smiles and laughs as another lost lamb

Came back and rested in His hands.