Kermit

yesterday my cat died.

my mom told me via text.

last semester his brother died.

it is rather sad and disheartening.

it is also quite very rainy today.

which makes it even worse.

i'm really sad he's gone.

girl friends

I have some of the best friends in the world. Honestly.

They are pretty awesome. And here are a few reasons why:

They dance crazily with me at night...

They are fabulous...

Always got my back...

and they enjoy inducting freshmen and looking crazy while doing it...

My girl friends are very special people. These are not all of them, just the ones with whom slightly less than embarrassing pictures have been taken with. They are honestly some of the most brilliant, God-fearing, honest, loving, amazing people I know. And I'm blessed to know them.

Thank you.

stressed out.

I have one and a quarter papers to finish and a few services to type up. However, I do not feel motivated to do it at all. Its the horrible cycle of its not due till noon tomorrow and then the I know it'll take me all of an hour to do it. Now, its not that I don't know how to do it ('cept IBL. No idea on that at all), I'm pretty smart and a very good writer when the will and need strikes. I am just an amazing procrastinator. And what sucks more about that is the fact that it completely and utterly stresses me out. And when I stress, I stress about stressing and then become even more stressed out that I cannot stop stressing. All of that takes its toll in a few ways: either I can't sleep, eat or stop 'doing' or all I do is sleep, over eat and become lethargic. Never is it in the middle, always one extreme or the other. Like currently, I'm stressing out that I am not doing my work, which has caused me to clench my jaw all day, which means now I have a sore jaw and pretty nice little headache. Plus, this go around I'm in the second category so I have been loafing around all day. However, I did make some head way on my work. Its just not enough. What sucks even more is that because of my 'dealing' strategies, not even notices when I'm fully stressed out. The close friends I have can tell, but many others cannot. And when its the weekend and everyone is home, or on their way back, or just not here, there really isn't anyone to stop and ask if I'm okay and if everything is going well. Which is something that I would really love someone to recognize and ask. Not being asked stresses me out. That's probably weird. What's even weirder is now I'm stressing out that I can write an entire blog, but I can't get past a second page on a paper on my opinions. Ugh. Right now, I would like a dimly lit bath with a ton of bubbles and warm water, some good soft music, soft towels and a good book. Relaxation. A moment to recollect my self and then begin the slow, methodical process of typing.

crazy

This past 24 hour period was a real roller coaster. If you know me well, you'd know I hate roller coasters. They make me ill, and cry, and pretty much just want to break down. That's both the real ones and metaphorical ones. Pretty much, I started out on this pretty nice ride, got to an unexpected high and crashed without much warning. The realist in me knew it was coming so I was kinda prepared, but the silly optimist squelched it's warnings and just let it go on. It...yeah. Long story short, not fun.

However, this is going to be a fun weekend. Or at least it looks like it will be. A few of us are supposed to go to the beach, which I am completely stoked about. I love going to the beach and hanging out with my friends. Mostly I love the beach, but don't tell them that...

I wanted to write something really inspirational when I started this, but I really had nothing of importance to say. Its just been a crazy time.

poem

lets just walk at night

and take pictures of the crazy things we see.

Telling stories from our memories.

I'll show you the knights and dragons,

you'll show me the maiden fair.

We'll spin a tale through the midnight air.

As we capture the silent still in our black lenses

ghosts and goblins caught on the negatives.

Racing through the shots and scenes,

the connection growing like a weed.

And when we come the the end of the path,

film spent and story waned,

i'll gasp as we look back and you'll take my hand,

as we trek back, once again.

questions

Lately things seem to be in a rush and in slow motion at the same time. Which is really weird considering nothing is out of normal. Nothing much has changed beyond the date. Maybe its the anticipation of something big that I am not currently aware of. Or it could just be the stack of things that seem to have piled up when I wasn't looking. Not that things really have piled up, but I want to think so, so that I can have a better reason to procrastinate.

Since I got the official news that I can go to Berlin next summer, lots of things have been running through my mind. Will I be able to raise the money in time? What will my family think? Will I know enough German to talk to people? What will happen when I am not home? Will they be okay? Will my work hate me for not going back next summer? Does this mean I am really going to graduate and grow up? What will I do there? Will I be okay? What if something major happens back home? A million and one questions keep circling around my mind and it hurts to think about them and question everything. I know that I really want to go, that is is something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. But all the what-ifs cause me to doubt myself, the trip and everything involved. Its like a poorly written science-fiction novel right now. Hopefully, everything will straighten out and be okay.

It looks like my procrastination will have to come to an end because my friend is coming down to watch the videos for the online class we're in together. On the upside, its one of the two things I need to finish today. On the downside, the videos suck. A lot.
Love on.