birthday

Another full year has come to an end. Today was one of the better days. Called mom early this morning and opened presents from her while on speaker phone. Went to Berrilicious to treat myself to some yogurt and then got a half cake at Walmart. I've always wanted to try a rainbow cake. Then went to dinner with Brittany and Tabitha. Super thankful for them and their willingness to go out with me. It really did mean a lot and I am so blessed to have friends like them in my life. Now I am hanging out in my room, going to go borrow a few movies from Brittany and watch them before bed. Not much could have made this day better. I am thankful for the friends I have. I am thankful for my mother. I do wish I was at home and able to eat the cake my mom would have made for me and celebrated with her, but that's not this year. I'm sure I could post some lessons I've learned or whatever, but right now I'm pretty content.

There are people in the kitchen of my hall who are drowning out my tv, and my tv isn't set very quietly right now. Finally got the dvd player to work. Might have to break down a buy a new one. Watching the Rise of the Silver Surfer. Thinking about the past year and where I'm headed. It's quite scary because I have no idea where my life is going.

Really miss being with ym mom right now. At least I'll get to see her this summer. That'll be nice.

Well, in three days (or two depending on how you count), I'll be getting older. This year is a little different than the others as I'll be able to spend some of it with a dear friend. Let's expound on that. A few friends and I were going to go out to a favorite restaurant to celebrate- which is something that hasn't been done in years. Then a couple decided not to go, a couple more...one more...till it became just friend and I. I'm really thankful that I won't have to spend it alone again this year, but it really does hurt that I got bailed on once again. It's also a little disheartening that a month ago I had asked a couple to go, and they chose instead to do something else that weekend. It just sometimes makes me question the quality of friends I have and sincerity in friendship. Now I know, a few were unavoidable and really could not make it for legitimate reasons, which is cool whatever. But the others...it sucks. Specially since I go to a school where we say all the time that "we're family, not just friends." Really? We're family? I sure don't feel like it a lot of the time. Sigh. Right now I feel a little overly dramatic and emotional. I'm sure after a bit things won't seem so horrible and lonely. And I do have that one friend who cares enough about me not to bail and recognizes how important it is to me. It's really hard being away from family on celebration days. Specially when it's been so many years since celebration has happened.

decisions

I am an amazingly punctual person. When I make plans, I tend to keep them. If I can't, I always call stating that I'm late or that something came up that was unavoidable.

It really bothers me when people don't extend the same courtesy. It is like they are saying, "You are not important enough for me to care about." That hurts. Probably more than it should, but it's one of my quirks and most people seem to accept it. My being a type A personality also does not lend itself easily to explaining why it hurts to break future plans, to forget about them or miss them. It's hard to talk about feelings. It's hard to acknowledge them for fear of causing the other person to be upset. It's a horrible cycle. Get hurt from breaking plans, can't talk about it, wound festers, reopens later....etc.

Pretty sure this could be related back to Jesus, grace, forgiveness, etc. but I'm just not feeling up to it tonight. On ward.


I was selected for a role in a movie. Not the role I thought I had gotten, not the role I wanted but a role nonetheless. This role also gives me considerable hesitation. Part of me wants to take it just because it's a role and I haven't had a part in a while. Most of me wants to say no, sorry but it conflicts with my beliefs and doesn't make me feel secure. I am really hoping that the director understands my hesitations and is willing to work with me. I would really love to have a part and be able to work and act.

To sum all of this up, I'm really stressed out.

Feb

Oh, let's see...since the last time that I've blogged, I've started exercising more. Which is pretty cool because I'm starting to feel fit and invincible. Yesterday, I bench pressed 56 lbs, squatted the same, and deadlifted 40lbs. Afterwards I felt as if I could take on anyone. It's amazing what a little bit of endorphins can do for the mind. The ultimate goals are to be able to squat 110lbs- the weight of a baby hippo, dead lift my own weight, and bench press 90lbs- the weight of a small female black bear. Also, to be able to fun a 5k this summer without dying. That'd be nice too.

In the realm of acting/modeling, I'm supposed to have a shoot tomorrow, but it doesn't look like the weather will hold out for it. Reschedule time again. Ah, well. Things are looking up somewhat. Been talking with the KC agency that I'm interested in working with and still loving the VA one I have. Got a few auditions lined up for March that I'll hopefully get. Supposed to have an audition within the next week or two for a zombie flick that'll film in late March. Hope I get it!

Been a crafting fool lately. Made a baby set- rompers, headband, hat and bunny; a Tardis hat; mario mushroom; started a blanket; charmander; and a star afghan. I think that's all. Joined a group for local crafters and hoping to get a couple sales from that. Have a few other things that I'll be starting soon. Oh yeah, been planning out some new cool hats! Those will be fun.

Other than all that, relational issues, school issues, same ol' same ol'. One day I'll catch up on all this work I have to do and maybe get ahead. I am thankful that I'm not super stressed. For all that I have to do, I'm not worried about any of it. Which is weird. Must be a God thing.

Death and God

Since I started back at school, it's been a roller coaster. And I'm not a fan of roller coasters! The first week of intensives were fine. I mean, it was just normal school stuff. Naturally none of the books I ordered came in on time, but I expected that. Then on that Friday, after class, I got the call that my Great-Great-Uncle had passed away. It hit me pretty hard. Death hits everyone hard, but this was especially hard for me because I had just seen him the previous weekend, just spoken to him and promised to make cheesecake this summer for him. It was really sudden. The funeral was the following Tuesday, this past one. I wanted to be there, but it wasn't going to happen. The cost of flying home was too high and not cost effective for three days. Now I'm okay. Well as okay as one can be. Thanks to my dear friends for recognizing what I needed during that time and being there to listen, pray and help. At times I know I will still struggle with this. No matter how many people you know pass on, it never gets easier. The one thing that remains the same is that I know God will help me through. And it sounds really cliche, and somewhat dumb, but it's all good because He's good. Thing happen for a reason, and though we may not understand them, God does and we just have to trust that He knows what He's doing. I know that I wouldn't have made it through if I didn't have that. If He hadn't placed my friends in my life or given me something to rely on. I just hope that everyone back home comes through okay. And I hope that anyone that has to go through this can get through it with minimal pain. It sucks hurting, crying and feeling like no one understands. It hurts to feel empty inside. It's no fun to wake up with puffy eyes and ruddy cheeks. Thank goodness God's there to help ease the pain. Life would be terrible without him.