Sometimes, when I look around at all the couples, it saddens me. Not a whole lot, but just enough for me to question what it is that's so terribly wrong with me as a person that I drive the opposite sex away. I know part of it is because I'm "too picky"...but that can't be the entire problem can it? I am a difficult person at times, it's true and I fully acknowledge and accept my flaws. It could be beginning of the year blues, seeing every one start new things, new classes, new friends, new faces, new jobs, new lives...and I feel stuck in the same old rut. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm one of those people that's meant for the single life. That lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Other times I wonder if there's some pheromone that is keeping me in the 'friend zone. It seems like every time I even consider dating a person, a huge roadblock pops up. Other relationships, distance, their interest, life, school, etc. Sometimes it's enough to make a girl cry. I really don't want to come off as one of those horribly sappy girls, and I'm honestly not. It's just really frustrating to me. Why is it every other person around me gets to be in a relationship? I've watched my friends get married, have babies, go in and out of relationships, all while I sit and watch them. I've listened to the recounts of the first dates, kisses, fights and breakups. I've calmed fears, celebrated with, gave my ears to listen and shoulders to cry upon. When will it be my turn again? It's been a really long time since I've had anyone to hold hands with.

Sunday sunday

Yesterday, I got destroyed in Scrabble. First time in a long time that happened. In my defense, I wasn't paying much attention, was tired and was eating at the same time. So...I could have won?

Today I went to a new church with a friend. Kind of liked it, but it reminded me a lot of the church that I used to go to and sometimes miss. May consider going again, but I don't know. I'm not big on going alone. Anyway, it was nice. Got all gussied up in a dress. Now I'm bumming around in sweats waiting for the call to go dogsit. At least I'll be able to get some homework done and maybe even get ahead.

Hopefully later today I'll be able to finish up the red on the rug I'm making. If not that, then finish cutting the strips for the big rug I'm working on. I almost fogged the rug because I started the pattern wrong, but you can't tell unless you look hard and know the pattern.

Not a whole lot of deep thinking has been going on lately. Just trying to give some things up and focus on the bigger picture. It's really hard sometimes, but it's getting easier.

I have an hour left before the call. I think I'll go down stairs and get some squares done. That seems like a good way to spend some time :)

lead

There are times at this school where I feel as if I'm not given the chance to grow to my full potential because others are not able to see me in that light. There are times at this school where I feel the actions of others destroy any hope of bringing something from terrible to great because others cannot see how it can happen. There are a lot of times where I feel taken advantage of, left out, ignored, trodden on, deflated, hopeless, lost and wandering. I cannot pin all of those on others, and will readily accept my fair share of fault, but there is no possible way that I am at full fault for everything. And I feel that way. I feel as if others say that it is completely my fault and I should just accept that I'll never be given any real leadership positions. Do they not know that I have received many awards for leadership? Do they not know of the seminars, workshops, camps, classes and experiences I have been given on leadership? How do they not know? I miss the days when I was allowed to lead. When I wasn't questioned and when I had a good idea I was allowed to run with it. Now it just seems like every door is slamming shut in my face.

This is an amazingly sad post. At least in my eyes it is.

I just want to grow. And I can't frow if I'm never given the chance to. I want to help others to grow too, but how can I do that if I'm not given the chance to lead?

end of summer

I'm a terrible summer blogger. But you all know that. This will probably be my last post before I head back to school for my last year. It's kinda crazy how it feels like just a week ago I was making the trip to the Midwest. And it just hit me how much I'm going to miss being here. Even with all the ups and downs of the summer, I am going to miss it. I think most of all, I'm going to miss working at the rescue. I love being able to go and hang out with the dogs and know that they will listen to whatever nonsense I have to say. I'm going to miss going into the pens and get mauled with kisses and unconditional love. While I'm gone at school, I'm not going to stop working with the rescue. I'll still be doing the online stuff, the Facebook Page, Online store, E-mails, etc. But I won't have the contact with the dogs. It sucks. Luckily, it won't be for long because as soon as finals are over, I'll be back with the dogs. All of this hit when I was working on the latest design for the Cafepress online store. It's a picture I took of Maverick, one of the battle buddy dogs. I'm going to miss that goofball most of all. Here's a short story why:

This summer, we took the dogs to the town picnic for training and exposure (read pr). At one point the first night, the other person had to go talk to someone and I was left with Maverick sitting and watching the people. Earlier that night, I had seen someone watching us and it made me nervous, but I didn't pay much mind to them because we were in a crowd. Well, while we were sitting there, that person approached us. Now, if you know Maverick, you'd know he's never met a stranger and loves all people. But I was nervous about this. He picked up on my emotions and stood in between me and the other person until the person left. He wasn't aggressive, mean or anything. He just stepped in between us and leaned into my legs. To a dog lover, that is love. He was keeping me safe. Nothing happened between me and the person, but Maverick's presence made me feel a lot safer and better.

I'm going to miss him and all the other dogs and cats. Almost as much as I'll miss my Harley and Suzy and horses. I'm going to miss animals more than people! I guess that shows what kind of person I am. Anyway, I had better end this before I get even more teary eyed and start to really shed some tears. There's still a lot of packing to be done. I'm not looking forward to packing. It's even worse than driving. Till I get to the East, over and out.

that sucks.

Well, tonight was a huge disappointment for me. After weeks of happiness, it all fell through. Knew it was going to happen, but I was hoping for it to be on my terms. Oh well. Thanks to a dear, good friend I got the feelings off my chest and was validated that I wasn't the one at total fault. Now I guess I'll just focus my energy on packing for school and surviving the week. I just...I'm at a loss and quite frustrated. I really hope that this last year in college goes well. I really need it to.

Speaking of school. I found the grad school I want to go to and talked to the admissions person in the department I'm going to enter. They are really positive about it and all looks good. Plus, I may even have a roommate and be able to get an apartment instead of commuting every day! Yay!

So that's where I'm at. I need to pack up my clothes, movies, books, craft things and shoes. I need to get my car in order for a two day trip. And I need to get my heart and mind in shape. This was a disappointing night, but tomorrow is going to be so much better.

sigh

I honestly do not understand my family sometimes. Not the part that I only see four times a year, but the ones I'm stuck living with. After I returned from Kansas, I was told that I was rude, mean and ungrateful. All of which I don't understand considering I cleaned the house, washed all the dishes and mowed the yard the day after I returned. Now we're back to the fact that I've been going out at night to hang out with friends before I leave for school. Which is now a bad thing even thought I've been told all summer to go out with them and "be a normal person." What is with all of these double standards?! Just now I was told that I needed to go and get dog food. I said, "Well, I'll do that tomorrow when I go into town then." The reply, "You are so ungrateful. What is wrong with you? You should do it now and get it done." What? I said I had planned to do it tomorrow. The dogs have more than enough to get them through the next four days so it's not like they are going to starve. Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I'm just noticing their crazy. I'm just not a fan of all of this. Hopefully tonight will be a good one. I don't know if I can stand doing nothing again.