Friday, October 29, 2010

one day, it'll be my turn.

I was going to write the other day, but then I took a step back and realized that it would have been a horrible blog. Mostly because I just wanted to rant about how couples couple and single people weep and the whole world is topsy turvy and my stomach is weak. So I decided to wait. To let everything simmer down and to write with a semi-clear head. Preferably this would have been after a Scrabble game and much laughter, but instead it is after watching a basketball game and a sore throat. But that's okay in the scheme of things. So, anyway, today I started getting scheduled for classes. This time of year always stresses me out because I never know how close I am to graduating nor if the classes I need are going to be available. Part of my taking forever to graduate is every other year classes, the other is amazing insecurity in the after college life. But let's focus on scheduling. This year went smoother than others because I prepped for it. I ticked off what I wanted to take and added that to what I needed to take. Magically they all aligned just so, and now everything I need is lined up wonderfully. There are only two classes I'm not exactly thrilled about. One is at 8am, so naturally I inherently oppose it. The other is math. I suck at math. Toss a scientific equation at me any time of day, give me chemicals to balance, any of the science math; just don't give me normal math. I am beyond horrible, terrible no good at it. With no fail it makes me feel like a five year old who has been given a three digit multiplication problem and six minutes to solve it. Bleh. All will be okay. It too shall pass with at least a C.
On to the other part, after graduation. With the way things are looking, I will only have to take two more semesters worth of classes and one internship. That means I'd graduate in December of 2011. I honestly have no idea and no prospects as to what I would do after that. I've been racking my brain to find things. What am I good at? Who would hire me? What would I use my degree for? Its all so scary and daunting. Sometimes I just want to curl up and pretend that adulthood isn't coming for me. That I won't have to move away and I'll always get to live in a dorm and have my friends around. Sadly, that can't happen. I've got to grow up sometime and I'm terrified. My choices are basically, find a job out here, apartment and work here or move back home and work in the store I've been working in for the past four summers and stay with my grandparents and miss everything out here. I'd miss everything back home too. My ideal situation would be to be hired by the school to do what I do now full time. I don't know if that will ever happen. Maybe between now and then Prince Charming (or Finn or "Jim Halpurt") will come and rescue me and show me what to do. If only fairy tales came true right?
There are a million things flying around in my head currently. I wish I could get them all out. Talk to someone about them, but I can't. Or more of, won't. I don't want to burden people with my thoughts and insecurities. But I would like a person to take pictures with. Not that I have a working camera right now. So maybe a walk. Or soccer. Or coffee shop. Or movie. Or frankly anything. One day it'll be my turn. Till then I've got to suck it up and be quiet.


Skiff said...

I really enjoyed reading this. Not because I'm a jerk and like to read about you being sad or whatever. More so because there's a lot of optimistic undertone in your writing.