Wednesday, September 28, 2011

More dog like

Last night I had a dream that my family came to my graduation. I'd been expecting them and was anxiously awaiting their arrival out by the swings on campus. then they pulled up and got out of the car, I started to walk towards them and then my grandma stepped to the side and out bounded my Harley. I called to him and got a look very similar to this:
And then when I called again, he started to run like this:

He ran to me and jumped up, it was the happiest feeling ever. All his wiggling and licking and barking, and just having him near. Yeah, it was great to have my family there too, but, my dog. The embodiment of unconditional love and inability to judge. The pure joy that is a small dog. Sometimes I wonder if God gave us dogs so that we could have a glimpse into the joy that He has when we turn to Him. Or if they are here to show us how to act towards one another. The Bible says that whenever someone confesses their faith in God and Jesus, the angels rejoice along with Him. I don't picture angles and saints dancing around blowing trumpets when a person turns to God. I picture a dog waiting at the dog for it's master and the pure joy the dog expresses as soon as their person walks in the door. The slobber laden kisses, jumping and butt wiggling. That's the kind of joy I think of when a person becomes saved. Pure, uninhibited joy.
And if they are here to teach us how to act, they show us how to be friends with others, to forgive mistakes, live in the moment and to never give up. Sure, there are some dogs that don't like others, but there are always exceptions to the rule. But in the most part, my dog has never met a stranger. He loves everyone regardless of their past, how they look or what they may do. He never holds a grudge if I mess up, trip over him and he doesn't judge me when I fail. He's always in the moment. Dogs live in the now and don't worry about tomorrow. And they never give up waiting on you. Hachi waited nine years for his owner to step off of a train to walk home with him like he had done for years before. He didn't know that his owner had died. Every day, he waited. He never gave up that his owner was going to go home with him. That's what dogs do. They keep the faith that you will return home to them and they'll forgive you for the length of time that you were gone and be just as happy to see you as ever.

I can't wait to go home and see Harley. I wish he could come for my graduation, that would make my day. But just knowing that he's at home, waiting for me to return is enough for now. I miss him terribly. And I hope that over time, I become more dog like in how I treat others.

Monday, September 26, 2011

bunny trails

It's late. I'm up because someone in the dorm keeps bouncing a ball and I can hear it. Thud. Thud. Thud. I'm pretty sure I have a super power and it's hearing. But only when I'm in a concrete building. Otherwise, hearing is pretty much lost.

This weekend has been a long one. I've really been missing my puppy and kitty. Which makes me feel kinda lame and homesick at the same time. Did find a cute dino costume for my dog to wear next year! It's going to be so weird to be home for the holidays. I'm not sure how I'm going to react to being home. To not going to school in the fall.

On a bunny trail, I have another agency I'm trying to get with. Hopefully that takes off. I keep trying to think positive about it. I really want it to happen. really, really badly.

Now I've lost all track of thought and rereading what I've already written didn't help much either. Ah well. Halloween is coming up and I'm in charge of the costume party at school. Pretty stoked about it and all the ideas I have for it. I really hope it comes together like it is in my mind.

my nails are painted pink. watched jurassic parks 1-3. pro and conning relationships. and that folks, finishes what's on my mind.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


I've recently learned tunisian crochet, and I'm hooked! It's simple, relaxing, and looks really cool. I'm currently working on a little project for a dear friend of mine and I really hope that she likes it. Other than that, made a Green Lantern hat and another beanie. Going to start on another beanie sometime this week. I thought I was going to have time this weekend, but forgot how much work SNL is so that didn't get started.

Beyond crochet, and SNL, not a whole lot has been happening. Really wishing I could head back to the beach. I love being near the sea.

That's pretty much it folks.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Black Conch

I found this at the beach today. It was rolling in the waves and I just barely caught it as it went past me. I like it because it's not the traditional white and pink conch. It's a really pretty black with brown in it, like a tortie cat. Currently it's residing on the shelf above my bed next to a clam shell.
Back to the beach. It was a mostly good trip. Someone I hadn't invited decided to invite themselves along. I wasn't thrilled, partly because I find it rude to invite yourself to things and secondly because then most of the time was spent listening to them complain about everything and suck the fun out of it. I wanted a super relaxing day and got a stressful time. Maybe next trip it'll go according to plan.
Currently I've been in a pretty sucky mood. A lot of things from back home have been weighing on me and it hasn't gotten any better. The sand and surf did a bit, but I feel like it'll take a few more days of being out there for it to have any real effect. Maybe I just need to buck up and get over it. Or crochet an afghan. I don't know. I tried to have a heart to heart with a friend last night and it backfired on me today. I tired to explain how lonely and alone I felt and how I wanted to be around people, yet it always seem like they don't ever want to be around me. That's vaguely how I feel. I almost constantly feel alone, like I have no one I can really depend on and no one to share what I'm thinking or feeling with. And those who say that they are there for me always seem burdened or busy when I need them most. And then there's the always alone thing. I like my alone time, but I like being surrounded by friends too. I love being social and having everyone around. I like being able to connect and laugh and everything. That's why I love going to college fairs and events. I love being around people. But everyone assumes I hate it, so I don't get to be around people a lot. Granted, I don't like being around certain people, which is probably where that comes from. But I don't want to force people to be around me. I just... I want to feel wanted and needed and included. I want to be heard without judgement or only half-listened to. One day it'll be my turn right?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sometimes, when I look around at all the couples, it saddens me. Not a whole lot, but just enough for me to question what it is that's so terribly wrong with me as a person that I drive the opposite sex away. I know part of it is because I'm "too picky"...but that can't be the entire problem can it? I am a difficult person at times, it's true and I fully acknowledge and accept my flaws. It could be beginning of the year blues, seeing every one start new things, new classes, new friends, new faces, new jobs, new lives...and I feel stuck in the same old rut. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm one of those people that's meant for the single life. That lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Other times I wonder if there's some pheromone that is keeping me in the 'friend zone. It seems like every time I even consider dating a person, a huge roadblock pops up. Other relationships, distance, their interest, life, school, etc. Sometimes it's enough to make a girl cry. I really don't want to come off as one of those horribly sappy girls, and I'm honestly not. It's just really frustrating to me. Why is it every other person around me gets to be in a relationship? I've watched my friends get married, have babies, go in and out of relationships, all while I sit and watch them. I've listened to the recounts of the first dates, kisses, fights and breakups. I've calmed fears, celebrated with, gave my ears to listen and shoulders to cry upon. When will it be my turn again? It's been a really long time since I've had anyone to hold hands with.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sunday sunday

Yesterday, I got destroyed in Scrabble. First time in a long time that happened. In my defense, I wasn't paying much attention, was tired and was eating at the same time. So...I could have won?

Today I went to a new church with a friend. Kind of liked it, but it reminded me a lot of the church that I used to go to and sometimes miss. May consider going again, but I don't know. I'm not big on going alone. Anyway, it was nice. Got all gussied up in a dress. Now I'm bumming around in sweats waiting for the call to go dogsit. At least I'll be able to get some homework done and maybe even get ahead.

Hopefully later today I'll be able to finish up the red on the rug I'm making. If not that, then finish cutting the strips for the big rug I'm working on. I almost fogged the rug because I started the pattern wrong, but you can't tell unless you look hard and know the pattern.

Not a whole lot of deep thinking has been going on lately. Just trying to give some things up and focus on the bigger picture. It's really hard sometimes, but it's getting easier.

I have an hour left before the call. I think I'll go down stairs and get some squares done. That seems like a good way to spend some time :)