Monday, November 30, 2009

12 days

To date, I am twelve days from leaving North Carolina to head back to Missouri for winter break. Part of me is super excited, the other less so. Ironically, I post a similar blog every time I am about ready to leave. Its a constant struggle between where I am, where I want to be and who I want around me. Part of that is I'm starting to realize just how much my family means to me and how much I do want them, at least some of them, around. Its taken me a long time, lots of journaling, prayer, talks to get to that point. But the other part of me wants to be super independent, not go home, bushwhack my own path....its so conflicting and ironic. I'd love to make my own way, but I am afraid to be alone. I am the worst person to leave alone after watching any paranormal show or scary movie (oh how I love them so). Thus, that makes me want to be with someone. A friend, family, just so I don't have to go to a house alone and be alone. It's weird to explain. It's weird to feel and be. ah well...if you get it you get it, if you don't, then ha. I feel so sporadic in my thinking at the moment. Holy Water- Big and Rich is playing and I'm going in my mind to how right now it explains me. Anyway, I'm mentally debating. Home. Here. Driving.
In twelve days, I leave.

Friday, November 27, 2009

time, sit on the bench.

There are fifteen days before I begin my trek back to Missouri for winter break. Fifteen days to complete homework, decide what is going to be taken home for spring semester, build friendships, finalize work schedules, plan routes and weather watch. Two weeks to realize that the semester flew by yet again and to notice how life just seems to pass me by. Its weird to sit here and feel that just yesterday I was sitting on my bed from last year begging God to just hurry time so I could leave. That just yesterday I was getting on a plane to visit Virginia for the first time. Just yesterday I was crossing the stage to receive my diploma. It astounds me. My amazement never ceases at time's ability to drag and fly at the same time. We're told to take the time to smell the roses, but when we do, nothing stops. and we're left with memories of the roses. There are many passages that talk about how our time is short on this earth...but do we ever realize just how short it is till it's too late? I'm about a quarter of my life done. And what is there to show but vast amounts of wasted time? Time that could have and should have been spent helping others, reading, studying, etc. but instead were spent on self-gratifying things. I feel as if I'm preaching to the choir. We'e all heard this speech before, all have vowed to change and make moments more purposeful and all have succeeded.....for a day. Good intentions never got a man far. I feel hypocritical, sitting on my bed letting time pass by. But at 3am there's little impact I can make on man kind. Even if I did, would it be remembered? Probably not. In the great span of time, a open door is nothing. A thousand is a dot and a million is a dash. They say little things add up. And they do. In the 21 years, its all the little things that mean the most. And for the next fifteen days, I hope its the little things that people see. I hope that time will take a breather and sit on the bench. I don't want to look back next semester and feel like time slipped away before break. Time, just let me have these moments. Let my vapor of a life intertwine with the vapors of others' lives for the brief time I have left with them before being gone for a while.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

just a poem

She looks up to the sky
The one that has betrayed her before
That feeling,
So small and insignificant,
Wraps her arms around her self and screams

He looks down from above
Watches the leaves play in the wind
Hears a small cry
Reaches down to save the night

She collapse on the ground
Her tears soaking her nightgown
Drifts off to sleep among the trees
Filling her head with some major dreams

He searches and finds
Wraps the girl in his light
Calls to her in her dream
Lets her know it’ll be alright

The next morn she wakes
Fears, tears, sadness, loneliness
All erased
All replaced
Filled with the love of the One
She called for without knowing.
The One that came
As she steps off into her new life

He watches from above
Sees the girl playing in the leaves
Smiles and laughs as another lost lamb
Came back and rested in His hands.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Tomorrow morning I will be attending mass. I'm kinda nervous about attending it because I've never been. The main thing that bothers me is....what do you wear to mass? do you have to be super dressy or are jeans ok? I know Jesus doesn't care, but people do. Either way I'm sure it'll be neat.
Today also began Thanksgiving break for my university. The next days will be spent working on papers, hanging with a couple friends, and watching guys make fools of themselves as they cook. It looks like it's going to be a good week. Let's hope that it holds up to the standards that I have set forth for it.

And now, I bid thee good night because I've got to get some rest before mass!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Ocean Eyes

Ocean Eyes is the title of a cd from Owl City. If you haven't heard his really ought to. Its pretty amazing.

My favorite song off of Ocean Eyes is Meteor Shower. It just reminds me that God is there beside us always, and will not let us be alone. We were made anew in Him and are alive because of Him. It also echoes my constant need for Him and feeling of wanting more. That sounds overly "christian" and cliche', but I like it.