Tuesday, August 31, 2010

three things.

Three things are on my mind right now.

1. There's a hurricane.
2. I really need to write that journal on moodle.
3. Its Tuesday.

The first thing scares me to death. I can handle a tornado just fine, but a hurricane brings me to tears. If you don't believe that, ask one of my close friends. I am so terrified of them I cry. Instantly. I've also never actually been in a hurricane, which makes it all worse. There's this big one named Earl (like the Dixie Chicks song!), and its supposed to go up the coast over Thursday, Friday and Saturday. However, if it doesn't want to do that, it'll hit where I am. Which means we will have to evacuate. Might have to do that anyway, if it is bad enough. The main thing from that is, where am I supposed to go? What about all my things? What happens when I leave? How far away is far enough? How will I know to come back?There's so many unknowns on it and fears, its pretty much not funny to me. Hurricanes sit there and loom on the horizon, and then near land spreading their terror...*shudder* I am not enjoying this forecast one bit. To give an idea of how afraid I am of it, think about that black fog in some movies that move in and take people away. And how grossly scary that is. That is the fear I get from Earl. Yeah.

Second thing. Laziness. Just need to get on it and write something that I thought was interesting.

Third thing. Tuesdays always seem to be the worst of the week. Mondays suck, but they begin something new and a chance to start having a pretty stellar week. But Tuesdays....oh they just remind you that there's still three more days till the weekend. And its not even halfway over.

Just found out that you can see this hurricane from space. That's right. SPACE. My anxiety level just rose 10000%.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I don't want to be the one to shout bible passages from the rooftops.
I don't want to be the one that people see as too pious.

I don't want to be the one that can tell you everything about the bible.
I don't want to be the one called that Jesus freak.
I don't want the be the one that is left out just because I'm Christian.
I don't want to be the one that is hypocritical in what I say and do.
I don't want to be the one that falls short at every turn.


I do want to be the one that people look at and see a difference in.
I do want to be the one that tries to get to know God as well as I can.
I do want to be the one that tries her best to follow Jesus' call to love people.
I do want to be the one that serves others rather than herself.
I do want to be the one that people trust to go to for their problems or questions.
I do want to be the one that recklessly follows the law of grace.
I do want to be the one that praises God in all things quietly.
I do want to be the one that gives her all in everything.

I want to love Jesus and everyone, but I don't want to be seen as the one that is too Christian, too much of a Bible thumper. I don't see the need to spout off verses, shout God's glory or have every post about Jesus. I would much rather people see me as someone who is trying her best to follow what she believes in. I would much rather people see me as the one who serves quietly, can be counted on and will always be there with a hand to help or shoulder to lean on. I never, ever, ever want to be the one to cram the gospel down someone's throat and make them feel inferior to me just because I know more about the bible, whether they are Christian or not. I just want to follow my God, do the best I can and help as many people as possible. But I'm a work in progress and some times, I'm not good at the following and I go astray. But I try.

Pear, pear, pear!

Tonight I decided that I really needed to make something. After searching the internet for a few hours I found this really adorable pear pattern. It was so adorable I decided that I needed to make it. Its also the prelude into making the next few creatures that are on the list. So, without any further wait, here is my little pear!

Its just so cute!

Welp, there it is! I hope you find him as cute as I do. Next up are the creatures for the Stanley's. Can't tell you what they will be, but they will be sweet and worth the surprise :)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

lack of umph

Its the first weekend of the school year and already I'm being a huge procrastinator. I have a book report that is due Monday and I would like to get it and its partner done so I don't have to worry about it. However, I am sitting here on skype talking to one of my friends in Germany and listening to music while I contemplate doing more than just opening the book. I'm also playing the 'try to ignore the pingpong ball that keeps flying at me' game. Seriously people. I am not a target. Also waiting for three o'clock to roll around so my friend and I can get to work watching our online course lectures. This semester I'm really trying to have a decent gpa and get everything done. Its just so hard when you have absolutely zero motivation sometimes. Like today. Today I would love to be at the beach laying out and enjoying the sun. But I got to do homework. Silly silly homework.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

first week

I am two classes away from finishing my first week of non-intensive classes this semester. Part of me is really excited the other is going, wait. Yesterday was Monday? Its awesomely weird and grossly fast. On the bright side, my room is mostly completed. I just have to go get a few more command strips and it will be finished. So excited about that! Now, if only E-city could get a Bank of America, I would be all set for the errands I have to fun this weekend.
Soccer started up again this week. And I'm super excited about it. The other day I couldn't play, which made me incredibly sad. However, I got to play today and even though it wasn't super serious it was a lot of fun to get out and run. Also made me re-realize how amazingly out of shape I am. Maybe next week I'll start that workout video I've been meaning to do...maybe not.
Anyway, this semester looks like it's going to be pretty nice. I managed to get signed up and on Moodle for my one online class and that made me pretty dang proud. The other classes I'm pretty interested in so hopefully they won't cause me to lose interest over time. And in a few short weeks my intensive work will be done and that'll just be another thing I don't have to worry about. Ah, such is life.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Strawberry Milk

Ever have one of those days were everything inside feels off, but you decide to just go on and smile and act like everything is alright, because, you know, if you act it you'll feel it? That's today. That's actually almost everyday. I never really got the whole acting like one thing and then suddenly it'll make you feel that way. Like, if you act happy, pretend happy, laugh, sing, dance happy, it doesn't really make you feel happy on the inside. Maybe it works for some people, and it does work in short bursts I suppose, but as far as the long run it doesn't. Its about as effective as trying to suck up the oil spill with a straw. Great analogy huh? I'm not really sure what is off. It is quite possibly quite a few things compiled. Homesickness, feeling out of the loop, school starting, anxiety, new people, etc. It all just feels a bit off. But not "Oh my gosh my world is going to collapse" off, just " I kinda wish someone would notice and give me a hug and talk" off. And even though I am really good at actin happy, I mean good. If there were awards for acting happy all the time, I'd totally win it hands down. But it really doesn't make me feel good on the inside. It just kinda makes me wish someone would see through the five star act and let me know they care. I guess this is a part of growing up. Learning how to feel happy alone. Learning how to deal with periods of off-kilterness and getting on with it all. Oh, woe is man and his existence. Well, I'm going to log off of this and finish drinking my strawberry milk. Good luck, good night and love on.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Happy Birthday to the person who was born on Aug. 22.

Friday, August 20, 2010

best friend

I just spent two hours on the phone with my best friend. Seriously. I rarely am ever on the phone that long, and normally its with her when it does happen. She is so completely awesome and doesn't even know it all of the time. She makes me feel so normal and loved and understood. Its so nice to have someone like that that's always there in my corner to let me know that things are okay and I'm not completely crazy. She also has a ton of stuff going on in her life. Which kinda sucks because not all of it is good stuff. But even through the crappy things, she always seems to find a way to laugh. We always seem to be able to make each other laugh, which I love. Even when I'm lamenting over how completely sucky everything is, she points out some little piece of irony and we laugh for a while. She's known me forever and is the best person I know. There really isn't a message to this beyond I love her and only wish the best for her.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


As I currently sit here, I am one day, four papers, one project and one final paper away from being done with my intensive. It has been a pretty much class and I've enjoyed it. I would have liked to taken What is worship, but this was okay too. Still pretty much just wiped out by the time I get done with class. Like right now, I am seriously considering a nap even though it is almost 7. But I'm just dog beat tired. Also need to go get some non-lunchables food. Hm. My roommate is back and it was super cool to see her for a bit. She'll be back later, I believe. Sometime next week I'm going to go get my tub of school stuff, which is cool. Cause I'll also get to go to gel group. Okay. That's all. I'm going to take a nap!

Monday, August 16, 2010

interestingly tired

First day back = one super tired, slightly delirious me.

I just finished typing up notes, because I can't stand having just paper copies of notes. Just in case something happens ya know? I have been wanting to pass out since about 10am this morning. Which was when class started but has no correlation to my tiredness at that point in time. I feel as if I've been up since 6am, when I haven't. According to the clock, only since 8:30a. Naps are going to have to find their way back into my schedule and quickly!

Class is pretty interesting. I'm more interested in the history of it, though I am sure it bores my classmates. There's just something so neat about how people worshipped and why. I love studying it almost as much as I love learning about other religions and brownie bites. (BTW, if you get a chance, try Sweet Memories brownie bites by pilsbury. Heaven.) And that's a lot of love for a subject.

This was going to be longer. But I'm tired. So. Amazingly. Tired.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

driving complete

Well, I finally made it. 5 armadillos, 4 raccoons (plus baby), two possums and a deer later. At least those were what was recognized. The only bad part of the trip was hitting NC and driving in rain. NC drivers drive in the rain about as well as they drive in the snow, slowly and badly. It was bad. Mostly because I didn't have the airflow needed to keep my car cool since I don't have a/c and my little fan can only blow what air is in my car. Darn you drivers that go 10 mph in the rain! Darn you!

Anyhoo, school is much the same as I left it. SNL was happening at the time, which I missed due to having to bring stuff in and shower. Post-driving showers are awesome. But, when I did finally walk into the gym, not to help clean up mind you, it seemed as if I had been missed by some as my name was called out and I was greeted. Side note- I find it really odd that people call me "Becca Hail" here. I'm the only Rebecca on campus. Pretty sure I'm not going to get mixed up with anyone else...so be it.

Currently, my dorm room is a mess that I should clean up at some point before Thursday when my roommate comes back. At some point I have to go up to Virginia to get the rest of my stuff, aka the actual school stuff and not the clothes or "fun" stuff. I really wish the rooms were more customizable because I'd like to do something different this year, but can't. Oh well.

Well, I should be going to bed, even though it feels like 10:30 and not 11:30 to me. Class starts tomorrow bright and early at 10am! Woo! Going to learn how to create paths to worship.

Friday, August 13, 2010

favorite quote.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

That is written on a mirror that hangs above my bed. With a capital 'return'. It was written just over four years ago by my then boyfriend, aka the guy that I was madly in love with and did everything with and was convinced we were going to get married one day. One of my biggest struggles is being loved. he wrote that up there one day, replacing my "Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. But pigs treat us as equals." quote, and there it has stayed every since. It was his reminder to me to just let him love me for who I am and to stop trying to be perfect and mold into what I thought he wanted. Every night and every morning I'm home I see that and it reminds me to stop and be thankful for those who love me and have loved me for who I am and not anything else but that. Its a hard thing to grasp sometimes. I mean, I'm a klutzy, marginally organized, overachiever, workaholic who can't always stop worrying to enjoy simple things. In short, I'm super far from perfect and have a lot of flaws. But that hasn't stopped any one from loving me. Even now, when I think back to the day he wrote that on my mirror, I think of all the love that he had for me at that time and how much he cared for me by writing that reminder up there. He and I shared a lot of ups and downs and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm lucky to have known him and been able to share a part of my life with him. And now, I write this for you all to read and I just want to remind you all to not fret about being perfect for anyone. You're loved just for what you are. And letting someone love you, is the greatest thing in the world. so just, let go of the worry and let their love, whoever they may be, surround you.
Till later.
Love on.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

retelling of sorts

One week and one day. That's how long I have been delayed. I hate delays. I hate things not going according to plan. But, I'm dealing.

Yesterday (and Wednesday) my grandma and I drove up to Lawrence, Kansas to see my sister and to drop off her new puppy (the boston terrier). He's having a hard time adjusting because it was a big day for him and he lost his play pal- my dog Harley. So, we hung out with her and her boyfriend and had Thai food. I hate Thai. That's not true, I really really dislike thai. I have problems with the heat, the smells from the kitchen of all the spices mixed together and the soy of it. I am not a soy fan. Luckily they had Chow Mein, which I eat without much complaint. The only down side of it was the soy. It was dripping with soy sauce. Bleh. But it wasn't totally horrible. Later we went to the hotel and hung out. It was nice getting to see her.

Way before that, when my grandpa was here, it was a really great night. My grandpa and I typically rent a few movies when he's home and normally my grandma is at work so its just us for the evening. This time we rented Edge of Darkness, Clash of the Titans and Old Dogs. It was nice to be able to hang out with him and relax while watching a ton of movies. We also had waffles, which was awesome. It was the first time I made waffles without batter getting everywhere or something burning. I love just hanging out with him. Its just nice to be able to talk and not worry or fret about anything.

Back to today. I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but its going to be over 100 degrees in the state that I'll be driving through. However, the heat wave is supposed to break and bring it down to the 90s. So, I won't be leaving till Saturday now. Which then kicks in the procrastinator in me because now I really don't want to pack up my car or the few items that need to be put in bags. What bites even worse is I'm a perfectionist when it comes to packing. It all has to be a certain way and go in my car a certain way. Contradiction. I did do some packing. I put my duffel bag of clothes into my trunk. in the process of doing that I broke the long strap off of the bag, fell down the stairs, hurt my toes and narrowly missed stepping on a bee. I'm sure it was fun to watch, but not so much fun to do...haha

One day and one week delayed. But in two days, I'll be where its 30 degrees cooler, where my friends are, where I can just relax and hear the gentle slap slap slap of the water against the wall out by the swing. Just two more days.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Poor car

Once again, my car has delayed my departure to the east and has caused me great anxiety. Yesterday I took my car in for a new engine. Which was supposed to be here over a week ago so that I would be able to leave and enjoy a week of beaches and relaxing before starting classes. Its really aggravating, but in a few days I'll be on my way to school. Hopefully. I really hate taking my car in to be worked on, because of all the whatifs. What if they find something worse wrong (not that much else can go wrong when you're getting your entire engine replaced), what if they find my super girly blanket? What if they take my fan? My poor helpless fan! Will they laugh because I had (exactly!) 220,000 miles? Be impressed with the awesome waxing job I did? Which was pretty impressive. My car shines like a LED flashlight right now. Its pretty awesome.

So now, until my car gets fixed, I am still in Missouri. Still packing. Well, I'm not packing. I'm putting off packing because I'm sulking that I didn't get to leave when I wanted to. All that I have done is my clothes are rolled. That's it. Today, at some point, I hope to pack up my two plastic drawers. And maybe the books. I have so many new books I don't know which to take, but I don't want to run out of reading material. Maybe I'll just take all of them haha.

Speaking of books, just finished Jesusland last night. It is a must read for every and anyone. So good.

Well, that is all for now. Tata for now.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


It looks like I'll be staying here for a extra week.
You can ask to know why.

If you'd rather not, then you can probably just find me under a blanket with a book.
Or outside, wishing I had a hammock.(with a book)

So much for summer plans.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

stung. in the middle of the night.

Its two am.

Why am I up?

Oh cause half an hour ago, when I was asleep, I was rudely awaken by a wasp stinging my leg.


It is still in my sheets because I found it, had a mild heart attack and decided to sleep on the couch instead. And now I am staying up for another half hour to make sure I don't have an allergic reaction because I have never been stung by a wasp before. All in all, I think I am taking this quiet well because I haven't screamed, cried, threatened my dog who is supposed to be watching out for me when I sleep or died. Honestly, right now, I hope the wasp decides to repent and die. Or just die, if it is an atheist wasp.

...stupid wasp.

Monday, August 2, 2010

RIP Birdie.

So, I've made it back to Missouri. It was long and hot and miserable. Earlier today, when I was still in Kansas, I bought a fan for my car. A real fan. My step-dad James put it in for me and it pretty much saved me this trip. That and the bottles of water my mom stashed in a makeshift cooler. Not lying, it was 110 degrees when I started driving. Crazy. I got quite a few weird looks for a fan in my car, but hey, its my car so back off peoples. Weirder things have been in cars and at least my fan has a great function.

A little side story, when I was about 20 miles from home, I hit a bird. I saw it sitting there on the side of the road and told it to fly right, which it looked like it was going to do, while I went left. For some reason, the bird decided to fly left...right into my bumper. I checked the rear-view mirror to see if I had it it, sure enough, there were feathers all over the highway. A tear was shed for the suicidal bird. May you rest in peace little birdie.

Seven days till I leave for school. That's one day of clothes sorting, one day of laundry, one day of packing, one day of loading the car, one day of getting the car ready, and two days of procrastination. Hopefully everything will get done like I would like them too.

Tomorrow I get a new phone! Yay!!

My new a/c!


Tonight is my last night in Kansas till December. Its really very bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. I love being here and being able to see my mom and do things with her, and have a mall, stores, opportunities around instead of no choices. I like being able to see this side of my family and not have to stress and worry about the ones in Missouri. I just really like being here and hate it when I have to leave. I wish everything was a lot closer together.

In about a week I head back to North Carolina. My grandma and sister were supposed to drive out with me and then stay a couple days before heading back here. However, my sister isn't going to be able to go anymore. And I'm really worried about my grandma driving back by herself, if she gets to go. I'm hoping to propose that she flies back, but I don't know if my car will be big enough for two people, plus all my stuff for college, plus overnight bags. Maybe my grandpa will be able to go too, which would be really great.

I'm not ready to go back to school. I never am. I hate the packing, unpacking, repacking part. The "this will be the best semester ever" and then let down part. The worry about finances, books, classes, friends, coolness. I hate leaving and driving. I actually don't mind driving so much as I used to. Its just sitting for so long I don't like. Leaving always sucks, no matter the reason why or what maybe at the end of the road. I hate goodbyes. I'm a big wuss and cry every time. I hate having to get back in to the studying routine and the early mornings part. But I do it, every semester. Last spring, I was supposed to graduate. Then it became this spring, because I transfered once. Now, I have no idea. My courses change, my major/minors change, my expected graduation date changed. I don't want to be done, but I want to know when I'll be done. I also want to know what I'll be doing in the future, but that's still to far off to tell. Maybe I should get a magic 8 ball and start narrowing down the options...

I am a little ready to go back. My mom got me a new backpack, I have new clothes, new shoes. I like to learn and read. I would like to see my friends again and have a social life. I am looking forward to going to the beach and hanging out, going to movies, sushi, movies, late night talks, energy drinks and random Wal-Mart runs. I'm ready to laugh and dance and sing again. But it all seems really far off right now.

Side note- My mom and I went to the mall today, and I sang to her in every store. It was great. And there was this weird guy at a shoe store who kept talking to us, even though we weren't talking back...weirdo. And a penguin hermit crab, little frogs I want to adopt and awesome sales everywhere. It was such a great time.

I just really wish everything was a lot closer, or I was really rich and could fly everywhere. I hate missing Thanksgiving and Easter. I would love to be able to come home for fall break. I knew what I was getting into going to a school so far away. I just didn't know it'd be this hard.