Monday, August 2, 2010


Tonight is my last night in Kansas till December. Its really very bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. I love being here and being able to see my mom and do things with her, and have a mall, stores, opportunities around instead of no choices. I like being able to see this side of my family and not have to stress and worry about the ones in Missouri. I just really like being here and hate it when I have to leave. I wish everything was a lot closer together.

In about a week I head back to North Carolina. My grandma and sister were supposed to drive out with me and then stay a couple days before heading back here. However, my sister isn't going to be able to go anymore. And I'm really worried about my grandma driving back by herself, if she gets to go. I'm hoping to propose that she flies back, but I don't know if my car will be big enough for two people, plus all my stuff for college, plus overnight bags. Maybe my grandpa will be able to go too, which would be really great.

I'm not ready to go back to school. I never am. I hate the packing, unpacking, repacking part. The "this will be the best semester ever" and then let down part. The worry about finances, books, classes, friends, coolness. I hate leaving and driving. I actually don't mind driving so much as I used to. Its just sitting for so long I don't like. Leaving always sucks, no matter the reason why or what maybe at the end of the road. I hate goodbyes. I'm a big wuss and cry every time. I hate having to get back in to the studying routine and the early mornings part. But I do it, every semester. Last spring, I was supposed to graduate. Then it became this spring, because I transfered once. Now, I have no idea. My courses change, my major/minors change, my expected graduation date changed. I don't want to be done, but I want to know when I'll be done. I also want to know what I'll be doing in the future, but that's still to far off to tell. Maybe I should get a magic 8 ball and start narrowing down the options...

I am a little ready to go back. My mom got me a new backpack, I have new clothes, new shoes. I like to learn and read. I would like to see my friends again and have a social life. I am looking forward to going to the beach and hanging out, going to movies, sushi, movies, late night talks, energy drinks and random Wal-Mart runs. I'm ready to laugh and dance and sing again. But it all seems really far off right now.

Side note- My mom and I went to the mall today, and I sang to her in every store. It was great. And there was this weird guy at a shoe store who kept talking to us, even though we weren't talking back...weirdo. And a penguin hermit crab, little frogs I want to adopt and awesome sales everywhere. It was such a great time.

I just really wish everything was a lot closer, or I was really rich and could fly everywhere. I hate missing Thanksgiving and Easter. I would love to be able to come home for fall break. I knew what I was getting into going to a school so far away. I just didn't know it'd be this hard.