Saturday, September 10, 2011

Black Conch

I found this at the beach today. It was rolling in the waves and I just barely caught it as it went past me. I like it because it's not the traditional white and pink conch. It's a really pretty black with brown in it, like a tortie cat. Currently it's residing on the shelf above my bed next to a clam shell.
Back to the beach. It was a mostly good trip. Someone I hadn't invited decided to invite themselves along. I wasn't thrilled, partly because I find it rude to invite yourself to things and secondly because then most of the time was spent listening to them complain about everything and suck the fun out of it. I wanted a super relaxing day and got a stressful time. Maybe next trip it'll go according to plan.
Currently I've been in a pretty sucky mood. A lot of things from back home have been weighing on me and it hasn't gotten any better. The sand and surf did a bit, but I feel like it'll take a few more days of being out there for it to have any real effect. Maybe I just need to buck up and get over it. Or crochet an afghan. I don't know. I tried to have a heart to heart with a friend last night and it backfired on me today. I tired to explain how lonely and alone I felt and how I wanted to be around people, yet it always seem like they don't ever want to be around me. That's vaguely how I feel. I almost constantly feel alone, like I have no one I can really depend on and no one to share what I'm thinking or feeling with. And those who say that they are there for me always seem burdened or busy when I need them most. And then there's the always alone thing. I like my alone time, but I like being surrounded by friends too. I love being social and having everyone around. I like being able to connect and laugh and everything. That's why I love going to college fairs and events. I love being around people. But everyone assumes I hate it, so I don't get to be around people a lot. Granted, I don't like being around certain people, which is probably where that comes from. But I don't want to force people to be around me. I just... I want to feel wanted and needed and included. I want to be heard without judgement or only half-listened to. One day it'll be my turn right?