Friday, July 23, 2010

late thoughts

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. -Jane Austen

Sometimes that's how I feel about my relationship with God. That I cannot speak about Him and relationship to Him because I might love Him too much. If you love something too much its like you don't want to share him with anyone. Every now and again it gets shared, but not often enough.

Its like my books. I love my books. Its super rare for me to share my books, loan them out, etc. Its a little less super rare, and more rare, that I talk about them and recommend them. Though all the time one will hear how I'm reading a lot, and how many I have read.
People know and hear that I go to church and am Christian. But they rarely hear me speak of Him and what He has done in my life. Even more rare is it for me to share Him with someone. Its just one of those things in my life that I love and want to keep to myself because its one of the few things that are just mine.
If that makes me a terrible person, so be it. I want to share, but its super awkward. I am not eloquent when I speak. I stutter, stumble and can't find the right words. Which is really ironic considering I want to be a missionary. Or believe I want to be. Surprisingly I can speak a lot better in a different language, weird I know. But who knows what the next year, five, ten years hold for me? I don't know the future anymore than I know who is going to win the lotto or walk into the store I work at. Maybe I'll be a missionary, maybe a musician, maybe an artist, counselor, groomer, paper pusher, who knows. I do know that I love my God just a little too much and should probably release my tight hold on Him a little so I can talk about Him more.