Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Today, well tonight really, I am supposed to be finding out if I'm going to be helped on an endeavor. Pretty much all my hoping and wishing hangs on this answer, and while it was positive before, I have that awful feeling of being built up just to be let down. You know the one where you're super hopeful and compare your hope to a balloon, and then someone takes a pin to it and it pops super loudly? in my case they usually deflate slowly and sadly, but it's the same effect. I'm hoping beyond hope now that this will hold true and come true.
All of my life I've had to work super hard for things I've wanted to do. And that makes me super appreciative of what I do have. But on occasion I really wish I could have some things just given to me so it wouldn't be so hard. I would like to feel like the rest of the people around me and know what it's like to not have to work my butt of to be able to chase my dreams. It sucks. A lot of the time I feel like I work and work and work, but there's nothing to show for it because what I'm working for isn't what I want to do. It's what I need to do just to get by. I'd love to be able to be carefree. And let me tell you, on the drive there, the time and the way back, I was. I was nervous, sure, but I wasn't worried about anything because it felt right, like what I was supposed to be doing and should have been doing all along. I felt so happy and free.
Now I'm sitting here in a pool of worry and homework hoping beyond hope that this all comes through for me. And now I just got a text I don't have work tonight. More time for homework I guess.

Sorry this is a rambling post. Just what My mind is full of today.