Tuesday, March 22, 2011

things from the past

This is my struggle.

A long time ago, I fell for this guy. He was sweet and charming, everything a girl could want. Our days were spent in laughter, joy, occasional fights, dancing, songs, cheesy lines and notes. We fit together like awkward puzzle pieces. Then things went wrong. He moved away, but we remained close. Then we got torn apart by our different paths of thinking and what we wanted. After a long while, we talked, things went well, then sour again. So time goes on, I move on, date new people, I assume he does the same too. On occasion I wonder what would have happened if the dreams that were held way back when came true. Or what will happen at the ten year reunion of our class. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me, like how on occasion I think of him. But mostly, I am thankful for the chance to have known this boy, this man and to have shared life with him for a while. I am at the place now, where knowing what little I know of what he's doing, I can say I am proud of his accomplishments and only wish the best for him and all of his endeavors. I'd like to say this makes me mature and grown up and such, but it doesn't. I still worry and wonder if he has any negative thoughts about me. If he hopes the best for me too, if he'd flip out if I wished him luck or said "Hey! Hope you are well!"

I worry a lot about what people think of me. People from my past, those in the present and sometimes those who are in the future. I wonder what they think of me, if they hold on to the way things were in the past and have no room for who I am now. I worry about if the things I am doing now are setting me up for future failure, or for betterment. Will future people be offended by my current choices or will they see the changes I have attempted to made to form myself into a better human being? My struggle with wondering about past people and how I have affected them is strong. My heart questions the choices I have made with past relationships while my head tells me that it worked out for the best, for the both of us. My head keeps me level in the placement of people in my life and how everything worked. Unfortunately, my heart loves the loves of the past and wants desperately to know if they dislike me now or not. Its irrational, I recognize that. But the worry plagues me. I suppose my only hope now is that he, along with all those in my past, see the person I have become and can come to terms with the past on their own and live in the present.

If there was one thing I could say to him, it would be to remind him to not stand outside the fire. For life isn't tried, it it merely survived,if you're standing outside the fire. Remember who you are on the inside and fight for that and what you believe in, whether they do or not. Don't be afraid to call late at night, for it's sweet to hear your voice. It'll always be hard to say goodbye, but there's angels watching out for you.