Thursday, April 7, 2011


Since this post, things have been resolved, talked over and such. This is just the thoughts that have been trapped in my head for a couple days now and needed to come out. Also, this is a day old now. I'm too lazy to go back and make everything farther in the past. Just keep in mind it was written yesterday. Anyway, it's sad, so if you don't want that don't read it. Oh, and thank you to everyone who suffered through this with me and thank you all for the wishes and thoughts and everything.

Today is my first day being 23. I never really count my birthday as the start because it's like this magical day of inbetween. At least to me it is. Anyway, I'm really melancholy right now, so if you'd like to stop reading and go outside in the sun, I suggest you do that. It would probably benefit you more and it's some nice not infront of a computer time. So go. Now. Run.

Now that's over with...yesterday was m birthday- obviously. Here at school I share it with two other people. That's nice and all and I honestly don't care much about that. But yesterday was one of the worst birthdays I have in my working memory. It actually started at midnight too. Every year I stay up till midnight on my birthday, so I can greet the day at it's start. But let me back up a bit. This year a friend had told me they were going to throw a little dinner together with a few of my friends at my favorite restaurant in town. I was stoked. No one has done anything like that for me in many years so I was ready for it. I had my outfit, surprise face, everything worked out. Then at the midnight of my birthday I was told that we had not talked about when, who, etc. Naturally, I got super bummed; I had thought everything was worked out. At the same time I got asked if I was going to one of the other birthday people's dinner out on the beach. Nothing against them, the beach, or anything, but I was not about ready to go to someone else's celebration to celebrate them on my day. It sounds really childish, and I feel super childish. But I wasn't about ready to go steal their thunder. So I said no. All yesterday I heard about how I should go, how I need to go to the person's celebration to celebrate their birthday and I got to listen to wishes for them, while I was standing near and got none. It broke my heart. I mean, it was my birthday too. I should have gotten wishes and been able to get my friends together to go out to eat too. Seriously hurt. I can count the number of verbal wishes to me on my fingers and had it not been for the social networks I doubt anyone would have been aware of it. And that made me really sad. I would have asked my friends to go out to eat with me, but the person and I share the same friends and I didn't want them to have to choose between us. I didn't want to steal her joy and I didn't want to crash her party. But no one understood/stands that. So while they were all out, I made my cake, blew out my candles and sang my song. That sounds horribly pathetic and sad. No lie, it was. Only one person asked if I was ok, because I looked like a beaten puppy for most of the day. I'm thankful for being able to talk to them and their understanding. I'm thankful for my distance friends who listened to me too. The made it a little better. But, frankly, I still feel hurt by all of it and wish I had the guts to tell those that hurt me. This is as close as it gets I suppose.

There were a few redeeming factors of my day, I got calls from my grandparents, mother and father. The all sang to me which was nice. The presents my mom sent were amazing as usual. I got a Glee board game which I am excited to play, a bunch of books, clothes and a movie. Oh and truffles, perfume and candies. I got a balloon and candies from a couple on campus who I babysit for. And I got a card from my roommate. Those things made the day a little brighter. Plus extreme couponing was on. That was neat.

Overall, I know that there are people that have it a lot worse. And that I shouldn't complain or anything because of that. But I was and still am really hurt by it all. I really just wanted to be able to go out with my close friends and have a nice time. to have a few moments where it was about me and to feel like I could accomplish anything and to have my moment in the sun. I feel so pathetic being hurt by this. So pathetic.

**sidenote, in no way am i ungrateful for all the wishes and the thoughts. thanks


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