Sunday, February 27, 2011


Sometimes, mostly on the weekends, I am amazed at time. How slow it goes when there is nothing to be done, how quickly it passes when you're not looking. When I look back on the years that have passed, it feels like I was just in high school working on plays, studying lines, struggling through math, doing science projects and trying to speak German. Some times it feels like just yesterday I was playing on the beach in Hawaii and building houses for my barbies with my friend. Running through the woods in Missouri to find the pond to build fairy houses near or to try to catch a fish with some string and a stick. But then I look at all the time it took to get through all those memories, and it amazes me that I've made it this far. It's astounding that I've made it 22 years in life with a few minor bumps and bruises. I mean, I'm not exactly the most graceful person around, so I think my track record is pretty good so far. The way time moves is amazing. It speeds up when we're not ready for something, slows down when we can't wait and in a blink of an eye it changes everything. I guess all that really matters about time is what we do with it when we have it. I'm not going to lie and say I've lived my life without regrets or missed opportunities, but I'm starting to come around to the fact that I can take what time I have now and change it so that I will end up the person I have always wanted to be and held inside. Like Sartre said "No matter what we have been, we can make choices now and become something quite different." That thought from him made me think about the choices that I am making now and what I am doing with the time I have left. It's crazy to think that so much can happen with just a couple steps in the right direction. With a little luck and a lot of hoping added in too naturally. There is so much time left in my life, and it's insane. It''s taken so long for me to realize that what I was being formed into wasn't who I wanted to become. The person who I want to be is still there still waiting to get the chance to shine. That sounds amazingly cliche and really dumb. But it's true, there's something I've always wanted to do, and really believe that I deserve to take the chance and discover what I could be and what could come from it. And soon I believe it will finally be my turn to take that chance. I can't wait for that time, which means it's going to seem like forever. But when I make it there I'll get to look back to this and go, "Man, it just feels like yesterday I was writing about this." I can't wait to get to that point where I look back and say all those moments that are so long ago were the ones that shaped me. That those classes I took, those friends I made, those papers I wrote and those dreams I believed in gave me the tools I needed to make the right choices to become something quite different than what anyone believed I would be. I can't wait for my time.